Did You Ever Love Me?

Too many days....

2010-11-30T20:56:00.000-08:00

I try to hide my pain with other girls but it doesn't last....no one gets me like you do and I hate having to try so hard with them. With you it was just so easy....until things got messy but you made me feel so loved....I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I want your love back but I know its over and done with and I just can't accept it. I'll never find another person ever...I cant put myself out there anymore....i walk on egg shells on what I can say to anyone. Everything fucking reminds me of you I can't even listen to half the radio or my ipod cuz it just rushes back to you.....

36 days....

2010-10-12T20:12:00.001-07:00

Life isn't getting any easier, the numbness is still so strong and the pain just hurts. It makes doing simple things so hard, I haven't had a good night of sleep since....and I feel like I sleep all the time to just try and pass the time because I hurt. I've tried finding someone else and its not working none of them get me like you do....

Do you ever think about me? I think about you constantly things that I haven't thought about in years that just seem to pop up because you are gone. I've been trying to figure out ways to maybe get you to talk to me...but I know that won't help, I want you to want to talk to me....I want you to need to talk to me. I want you to need ME again. I'm so lost without your love and your affection for me. THings got bad I know...but I always seemed to do better with just your help even if it was do your homework and I'll call in an hour....its what I needed....that reward that love you so freely gave me.

I feel like I ruined things with us...I got so attached. The thing is I wasn't when we first started dating...I was very cautious in all that I did but.....I fell so madly in love with you that I wanted you completely.....which was something you could never give me. Thats what caused us to fail...I wanted more and you couldn't give me. I tried setttling and the sad thing is that I would still settle for you because I am so completely in love with you still.....which I know isn't the same for you, I know you've moved on....for all I know you had someone new that week you didn't wanna talk....I can't get over you...I can't your face is so engrained in my mind Everything i mean EVERYTHING reminds me of you every little thing.....

how can you just rip my heart out like this....you said forever....you said it and made me believe it!!!! you did this to me....you made me be like this....how could you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

29 days

2010-10-05T16:31:00.001-07:00

Why do I still care....I still think about what your doing still hoping to hear you call....I know you don't care about me so why should I? I still love you and I'm trying despretly to hide the pain with other girls....but its not the same. Its not you...the girl who used to get me so perfectly my special beautiufl babygirl. I know your no good for me and that you aren't the one but I want you so despreately to be the one for me but know deep down you're not but my heart still doesnt wanna believe it. I just want to talk to you so bad it kills me. I'm still numb and I'm trying to hide the numbness with random girls to talk to but none of them are you none of them are my babygirl the one I want. God why did you do this to me get me so in love with you to the point where I didn't care how much you hurt me as long as I heard I love you from your mouth and then just decide you don't want me....blocking me and everything I don't get it.

29 days

2010-10-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

27 days...

2010-10-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

Do you ever just look at the phone and pray that it would be me calling? Do you ever look at your phone and want to call? IM me? text me? email me? I just dont understand how you can just not talk to someone who was suppose to be everything to you. It makes me think that you didn't care for me at all.....I'm questioning everything with you and I hate that I have to cuz deep down inside me I still want to be with you. I know I can't and that you don't want me anymore....it hurts....

I hope you're happy that you completely crushed everything apart of me. I'm trying to get back out there with girls but apparently I move too fast.....fml Am I doomed to have nothing? I sit here and should be doing homework but I can't cuz I"m just crushed and numb. I want someone in my life cuz apparently I can't have you anymore...you took that from me. I just wish I could know you're ok. I want to know this is killing you as much as its killing me being with out you. I crave to hear your voice again and ever time I get into bed I hope you will call me but I know you won't. I need your voice I do....god I need it so bad....I want to be able to call you baby again and to tell you I love you and will never go away. But you don't want that you want you don't want me....what did I do?!?!?!?!

God I hurt....I hurt so bad and I feel so numb.

Day 24....without

2010-09-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Did I even mean anything to you? 2 and a half years I have loved you and have told everyone I knew about you. But you couldn't tell a single one?! Was I really that horrible that and meant nothing that I had to be a secret for so long. You claimed I gave you no space....WE HAD FUCKING 1600 miles between us how is that not space! Heaven forbid I want to talk to you and actually be in your life but no I didn't get that yet you wanted to marry me and have my children! We talked about the future so many times yet never about the present and how we were gonna get there. You never believed in us because I meant as much as you claimed I did you would've told someone just a single person! But no I was just that secret that you couldn't admit to anyone!!! How can I believed you loved me when you never wanted to show anyone?

I don't know what happened during that first winter break I had but everything changed....you weren't that girl who I fell in love with....you were distant and not the same....I don't know what happened and you claimed nothing did but I don't buy it. Something happened during that month of January so much so that you couldnt even say happy 1 year.....so much so that you couldnt keep your girlfriend company while she celebrated new years alone.....

And now do you even miss me? Do you even think about me anymore....cuz god knows I do every single fucking day! I even have dreams about you...something that never happened when we were together.....you fucking haunt my dreams!!!!!

I'm so numb and I have to walk on egg shells to not bring back memories of you in every day life....I'm in so much pain and my heart is just shredded to pieces and you seem like nothing has happened....like I was just nothing.....how can you do that?!? How can you just be....without me....I DON"T GET IT....you gave me no closure nothing!!!! YOu said it wouldnt work on right now....right now what the fuck......so I'm suppose to wait around for you cuz you know I will.....I shouldnt care about I shouldnt...but I do....I do so much! Everyone keeps telling me you'll be fine or just move on but I can't....I try and then girls fuck me over again.....

They turn into you and hurt me. I'm almost decided I will be alone.....you wrecked everything! YOu wrecked me for everyone....because now I don't trust and I snoop and I give me heart away because I want to feel what I felt with you with one of them....Every day gets harder....every single fucking day I don't know what it will get easier cuz right now there is no end in sight.....